2015 NFL Coach’s Death Watch: Week 5 – The “Turkey Day” Edition

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A fantastic article now available on Dubsism. You’re going to want to check this one out for sure!

Originally posted on Dubsism:

caoches death watch walking dead

By Jason From Indiana

Thanksgiving is upon us. It is time to reflect on the things for which we are thankful. For me, that would be the continued buffoonery of NFL head coaches. Just like sitting down to that Thanksgiving feast, it is time for me to bust my pants on the meal that is the NFL Coach’s Death Watch.

1) Chip Kelly *NEW*

CHIP KELLY TURKEY LOAF “Of course, Chip’s Turkey Loaf ain’t got no dark meat in it, if you know what I’m sayin'” ~ Stephen A. Smith

I got this idea from a recent podcast in which J-Dub called Chip Kelly “a talking turkey-loaf.” Frankly, I’m surprised he was that mild.  I was actually expecting something more like “a pile of infected pig shit in a visor.”

Anyway, the question becomes how does one go from honorable mention to #1 on the charts?  Well, you start by losing back to back…

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Week Twelve NFL Preview


by Eight Thirty Seven with assistance from Dubsism and Jason from Indiana

Thanksgiving week is upon us, and the National Football League plans to once again dominate your television screen from your late morning hangover all the way through until you head to Kohl’s to trample other shoppers in search of a comforter you’ll just end up pissing all over at some point anyway. But we’ve done the stock Thanksgiving bits numerous times on this site, so fuck that shit…Let’s get to talking football. The bye weeks are done, and we will finish the season out each week with a full schedule of games. There were three games on my radar last week that had a drastic effect on a feeling I’m beginning to have about the future:  In Minnesota, Aaron Rodgers led the Packers to a convincing win over the Vikings that Green Bay had to win after dropping three straight. In Carolina the Panthers shelled the Redskins, and out in the desert the Cardinals pulled out a last second victory against the Bengals. These three games were very close to my heart because I am hungry for new blood to succeed in the NFL. To be honest, I’m getting a little bit tired of seeing the Packers win and that’s why I’m so jacked about seeing the Cardinals and Panthers succeed. We can’t just expect Rodgers to be there every year and keep hitting off of the same four guys year after year. It’s getting tiresome and nobody really wants to see that happen over and over, and it’s cool to see a guy who’s getting his second wind and become successful again while this other kid is ripping it up all the way across the country. New England is going to win the AFC unless something disastrous occurs, but watching the NFC playoff picture unfold has been a real pleasure to watch.

One guy that likely hasn’t been taking pleasure in watching any of this stuff is Dubsism, who is going to be taking out a second mortgage on his teepee in about a month. His wife just took a second job at Kohl’s to support his gambling habit, and their house cat Shadow is now moonlighting at Danzer’s off of McCarty Lane in Lafayette. I mean, I know you can’t win ’em all…but God we have really sucked with our picks this year.

J-Dub:  What a disaster this week was. Think of the Titanic showing episodes of Ken Jeong’s Godawful sit-com while it gets plowed into by the Hindenburg.  The gambling action was so dreadful that the highlight of my week actually came from getting blocked by Jeong for this:


Despite the fact I left out the word “commercial,” he clearly got the message.  That lead to this response, which I thought that was pretty funny.  It was actually a fuck of a lot funnier than anything I’ve seen from his soon-to-be-dead sit-com. 


A pro wrestler doing the “Ooooh, I’m soooo scared” thing.  Like I said, I thought this was funny…so much so that when I went to re-tweet it, I realized that Jeong had blocked me. What the…?
Believe it or not, Ken Jeong broke my “Twitter-blocked” cherry. The fact that I’ve been a blogger for six years, and this is the first time anybody’s ever blocked me is about as impressive of an accomplishment as remaining a virgin in Arkansas past the age of 11. At first, I couldn’t believe this guy gave a shit what some blogger thinks. Then I realized that he’s got the same problem as the J-Dub Gambling Challenge does. You can tell “Dr. Ken” was his “baby;” he saved up his cash and established himself in the right spot in the entertainment business to get that show made. This was his proverbial “pet project,” and I called his baby “ugly.” He’s going to end up working in a food truck somewhere on Wilshire Boulevard because he can’t write a network-friendly “butthole” joke, and I’m having juice and cookies with the winos at the plasma center because I drank the Kool-Aid on the Vikings not being hot, salty garbage.


But I also know what a big part of my problem is.  Sadly, I can’t fix it until next year.  I’m done betting on anything which happens on Thursday.  That’s a problem with this challenge because we need to publish before the Thursday games.  That creates a classic gambler’s dilemma. One the one hand, there’s something to be said for getting those early numbers. For example, buying the Broncos early last week meant the difference between a win and a push.  But on the proverbial other hand, you miss a lot of information that doesn’t come out until Thursday or Friday. I’ll gut it out to the bitter end this year, much as Ken Jeong will do with “Dr. Ken.” As for you, Dr. Jeong, I’m actually a fan of yours and I’m hoping you bounce back from this setback.  After all, I have a rule about trusting people who say they never failed at anything, because it either means they never risked anything or they are lying. However, if I knew I was going to get blocked, I would have got my money’s worth for it. Your baby isn’t ugly, Ken.  It should have been taken to Planned Parenthood and sucked into a bio-hazard bag. Having said that, let’s see how much further I can abort the J-Dub Gambling Challenge Bankroll.
Now that you know what’s up with Dubs, let’s take a moment to look at what we think will go down in week twelve of the NFL season.

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10 Questions with Blair Socci


By Ryan Meehan

Blair Socci is a standup comic from San Juan Capistrano, California. When she isn’t watching Vanderpump Rules, you can find her performing standup in clubs and bars all over Manhattan on mostly every night of the week. She is very excited to be starring in the upcoming MTV series, Ladylike. Since her start in NYC, Blair has appeared at Caroline’s on Broadway, The Stand, the Hollywood Improv, Laugh Boston, Sleepaway Camp, Crash Test, The Knitting Factory, Kabin CSL, and Broken Comedy at Matchless. She has participated in several festivals including the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival, Women in Comedy Festival, Red Clay Comedy Festival, She Devil Comedy Festival, The Devil Cup, and the New Orleans Comedy and Arts Festival alongside several of her favorite comics. Blair has also trained in both the improv and sketch programs at the Upright Citizens Brigade theatre in NYC. After graduating from UCLA with a BA in English, she recently earned her MFA in creative writing (fiction) at The New School. Blair has written for Reductress, xoJane.com, Splitsider.com, Wmag.comRiviera Magazine, and Volleyball Magazine. Once a month, she co-hosts a popular show, Nacho Bitches, at New York Comedy Club that she co-founded with Corinne Fisher of Guys We F*cked fame. To view Blair’s web series with her best friend, Farah, please visit: www.prismhorizons.com and check her out as my guest today in 10 questions.  Continue reading

10 Questions with Amir K

Photo courtesy of MTV.com

Photo courtesy of MTV.com

by Ryan Meehan

Amir K is a Iranian/American comedian who lives in Los Angeles. His comedy is a blend of character work, storytelling and improvisation shaped by a multi-cultural upbringing. Amir was recently a semi-finalist on the latest season of Last Comic Standing and a cast member on MTV’s Jerks with Cameras. Some of Amir’s other credits include stand-up performances on AXS TV’s Gotham Comedy Live, CBS’s Comics Unleashed and Stand Up & Deliver on NuvoTV. Amir’s stand-up contest wins include The Bay Area Comedy Competition, Orange County’s Funniest and the Ultimate Laugh Down in Orange County. Amir K is best known for his stand-up, but is also an accomplished actor. He won a SAG award for his role in the Oscar winning film Argo and recently starred the FOX feature film The Pyramid. Amir K has also made appearances on TBS’s Men at Work, MTV’s Punk’d and guest starred in the final season of Disney’s hit show Good Luck Charlie. Amir can be seen headlining comedy clubs and theaters all over the U.S. as well as internationally, and we are very lucky to have Amir K as our guest today in 10 questions.  Continue reading

10 Questions with Dwid Hellion of Integrity


by Ryan Meehan

Integrity was and will always remain one of the most interesting and polarizing bands in the history of American hardcore music, even two decades after their seminal album “Systems Overload” shook the genre and made them legends. Hailing from Cleveland, brothers Aaron and Leon Melnick teamed up with vocalist Dwid Hellion to inject a new degree of metal into the hardcore landscape in the mid-nineties. On October 30th, Magic Bullet records released an official reissue of a 23 song collection entitled “Den of Iniquity” which is chock full of rare tracks and split 7 inch recordings. That very same day Magic Bullet also reissued the 20th Anniversary edition of the classic Integrity album “Humanity is the Devil”, remixed and remastered by Brad Boatright and Joel Fucking Grind of Toxic Holocaust. The importance of Integrity on so many subgenres of heavy music that we have come to be familiar with today cannot be stressed enough, and that’s just one of the many reasons I am happy to have vocalist Dwid Hellion as my guest today in ten questions. Continue reading