by Ryan Meehan
Welcome to FOH, where it goes down a lot more than it doesn’t…
More unnecessary anger from the pulpit, but if you consider the fact that I shouldn’t even need to be up here speaking whatsoever maybe everybody else could cut me some slack.
I’ve been beyond organized my whole life. Even during the darkest periods of my life, I’ve still always managed to keep everything I have in order. But I don’t expect a medal for it because it isn’t like it’s difficult to keep your shit together.
I’ve been watching a lot of A & E lately and they have a show which most of you have probably already seen called Hoarders where these sick individuals store ungodly amounts of shit in their living space and then claim that it’s an addiction. Then to make matters worse, they actually bring in someone whose title is a – wait for it – “personal organizer” to help them get their “life” back. It’s hard to feel sorry for the participants of this show, so to me it’s a comedy and I laugh my ass off at it weekly.
Everybody knows at least one person who constantly leaves everything a mess and then has the audacity to go “Oh, well…I know where everything is so that’s cool” … No, you don’t asshole. That’s why whenever you’re looking for something right before we need to leave, we’re late fifteen minutes to wherever we’re headed and you’re going “Where the fuck did I put that _______ ?” And it’s not just possessions that need to be in place. This goes for time management as well…Doesn’t anybody even own a fucking calendar anymore?
And not only is it nasty not to clean up after yourself, but in general poor organization can lead to much larger problems. Take the calendar example I just brought up: here’s a hypothetical scenario.
Say you’re 19 years old and just moved into your own place for the first time. And you don’t own a calendar. you saw one in a store but you didn’t buy one because it was 7 dollars and you couldn’t value a calendar at 19 years of age because Your young and naive. Because you don’t own a calendar, you aren’t for sure about when your bills are due. Because you don’t know when your bills are due, you pay them late. Because your bills are paid late, your credit score goes way down. Now let’s flash forward to eight years from now.
You’re at a bar and you meet this woman who looks alright enough to sleep with so you take her home. You don’t have a condom on you because you believe condoms don’t feel good so you hit that shit rawdog. You forget to bail. Three months later, she’s pregnant. And her father is an asshole so he forces you to get married, which is a problem because you have shitty credit and can’t afford a wedding.
So, you get married in court like a sensisble individual would do, and the kid comes out shortly thereafter. Everything is stable for about a few months. And then you walk in from work one day and find her fucking your brother. You immediately beat the shit out of him and your wife says she wants a divorce. Your brother (who’s already hated you his whole life) sues you for everything that you have left and tells your mother that you’re gay and your ex-wife used to peg you and that you loved it.
Since you were thrown in jail for assault and were unable to make bail, you missed work and were fired as a result. So you have no job, and are being evicted from your residence. Your ex-wife has now has custody of your child, which you can’t see because you have a violent criminal history. But at least you have a place to live now because tomorrow your six month jail term for assault begins.
Tomorrow comes and they end up relocating you to a prison when you show up to serve your sentence. They put you in a cell with a guy who was convicted of stabbing a girl scout to death and then eating her corpse. Instantly he tells you to blow him. You don’t, so he beats you senseless and then rapes you anyway. While in the prison infimary, they also mention that this particular inmate has genital herpes and tertiary syphilis, so now you are infected with both of those things (although the syphilis is at least managable through a rigorous antibiotics regimen). Somehow it gets back to your cellmate that you mentioned he was responsible for the assault, so then when they put you back in your cell, he cuts your lips off as a message to everyone else in the prison to not rat him out.
That calendar seems awfully worth the seven bucks now doesn’t it motherfucker?
It’s an extreme example of course, but it’s easy to see how just one little mistake that can be easily avoided can lead to having HSV-2 and no lips.
So clean up your living space, it’s the least you can do. And for God’s sake take out your garbage for once.
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