By Cal Meacham
In a foreign country I imagine there is a factory/studio that pumps out SyFy Channel original movies at the same rate as Hostess does Twinkies. Situated right next door to a bootleg DVD factory I am sure the CEO’s of each building meet for lunch daily for a quick dip in their money pit and to discuss how they will swindle us next. So before my review I would like to thank both of them for making our world a better place (oh and for wasting a few hours of my time).
The SyFy Channel has the propensity to make their “original” movies as terrible as humanly possible choosing the schlock over substance approach. You turn them on for girls running around in bathing suits and bloody kills. Somehow George Romero slipped through the cracks and was allowed to make feature-length pictures for the big screen, but there is little to no difference.
Like every other Syfy Original the plot is pretty cookie cutter: Corporation creates a “Super Weapon” for the government aka Sharktopus and proceeds to lose control over their super weapon. We spend the next hour plus watching the sharktopus ravage the beach as they try to capture it. Yes folks, it is not safe to go in the water………..Sharktopus is on the loose. They could just close the beaches and warn everybody that there is some CG….oops I mean half shark half octopus creature that has killer instincts and maybe they should stay indoors until it is killed. Or they can do what they did……..which was dumb……..as usual. The equivalent of me finding 13 of my most uncoordinated friends and asking them to start a rugby team.
This movie had all the cliché moments you have come to expect: A news reporter who is hell-bent on getting the story. An “evil” corporation that cares nothing about the welfare of innocent civilians, only about keeping their genetic monster alive. Random shots of beach goers swimming with tropical music playing in the background = DOOM!!!!!! The use of glasses and sunglasses to depict drama or emotion such as “nerdy scientist girl holding her nerdy glasses in her hand while she gives us a dissertation on the make up of the sharktopus” or “quick removal of sunglasses to show just how serious a character is about what he is saying”. UGH…………..
The movie has a star-studded cast of Kerem Bursin who you may remember from, well, um……..and Sara Malakul who put on a dazzling performance in…….well cancel that. This movie is filled with shitty actors who I am certain are enjoying the windfall of money and fame that came with their appearance in this flick.
What I learned from this movie:
- Attractive girls like to go metal detecting on the beach
- Octopi like big rocks
- Acting is really an after thought when it comes to filming a SyFy movie
- When chasing a very large creature, it is usually good to find the smallest boat possible to chase it with
- When trying to capture a very large and deadly creature it is good to get in the water without a cage to try to catch it
As you can see I have learned a lot of important life lessons from Sharktopus and I feel like I am ready to take on the world. I wish the very best to each and every actor in this movie because they all have such wonderful acting careers ahead of them.